sigh...

Well I'm a little worried. I seem to be the only one, but not many people know what I know. Ignorance is bliss that is for sure! My company has let go of 10% of the people and a vice president. We have to have 900 million dollars by March to give back to the government if not then we will have mandatory downtime. Then layoffs. Then closing centers. Tis has me a little worried and it seems when Ialk to people about it they kind of don't really care or don't even act like they care. I was so irritated with my cousins attitude last night I just had to get off the phone. She was acting like oh well its how its going to be cant change it I'm not going to lose my job so why should I care.. BECAUSE YOU MAY LOSE YOUR JOB! that's WHY! she said she doesn't see the big affect of this whole thing and only her small towns .. witch is true. I work for a company that is in every state and every country and we have to have people stay in our hotels for us to make money. If banks are broke and not giving company's money then people are not traveling ... I just have to say .. it makes me sick and I would like to keep my head in the sand and pretend that we don't have a problem but we do we really do. I'm also angry about the staffing in my department we have so many people most of the time that everyone is just looking at each other.. and our boss wont let anyone go home! why the hell not! if people want to go let them.. I was against the bail out program until I found out that all of our paychecks would have bounced if we didn't get it we were 2 days away from being broke. 2 days and everything would have bounced... sigh

but i want my cake and to eat it too!

holy fuck its been a while! hi my name is katie just in case you have forgot!
so i was trying to upload a photo of a cake my friend i made that looks like a real pumpkin. how ever it is not uploading at this moment.
I have nothing to do this weekend and i'm sooo happy about that. last weekend i went to kc with my friend and her kid to watch my sisters kids so she and her husband could go to the football game. it has made me realize how much my sister and i have grown up. things that used to make us angry for the whole trip and make everything spiral out of control are now takin with a grain of salt. witch is awesome because she wasn't feeling well and i was in the car with a 5 year old who couldn't wait to get there. and something had gone wrong with the hotel res and i wasn't there to fix it and she forgot about it..so we had a little fight and i was telling my friend aww here we go.. the whole trip is going down hill now. but when i got there walked in the room everyone wasn't as upset as they had been. it was over the bump in the road was gone we weren't going to let that bring down the whole trip.. anyways what i'm saying is we have grown and became each other's best friend. it has took 26 years for us to get to this point we are the only ones who have almost walked in the same shoes. growing up we had to be each others friend because fuck our parents we to busy fucking our lives up. we were each other's rock we had to be. no one else was going to keep us together. i depended on her so much for everything if there was a problem she took care of it. i didn't go to our parents i went to her. i think because we had to depend on each other so much growing up we needed the last few years to be our own person to come back and be a better sister to each other.
I was always amazed how free spirited she was and still is. no one is going to tell her no she is going to do it anyways. growing up i always watched her because i knew she was going to do it first, and if she didn't get in to trouble i could get a way with it too! i remember when i was 6 and she was 9 for some reason there was a huge bowl of uncooked rice on the table and i waked past it and thought i want to stick my hand in there but didn't next comes a long my sister who for sure stuck both hands in there and got a way with it .. i was excited she didn't get into trouble because then i got to do it!
I got used to my sister fighting my battles for me. against our parents against the world against anyone. but i had to finally learn i needed to do this on my own and do a pretty good job doing it .. learned from the best.. but it has been hard because we have always lived near each other but the last 3 years she has lived 5 1/2 hours away. its hard to be so far a way and i hate it, but i don't want to move again. i'm tired of moving i'm tired of making new friends i've moved so may times in my life and i love omaha. but my heart is not here my sisters kids are my heart and i don't get to see them grow up as much as i want to. i don't know what i want to do. i have a job that pays the bills i know this job inside and out. I'd have to change everything. ugh anyways. 46 days until i get to see them again :) for 11 days!

i love my sister because she fixes things and makes them happen no matter what the issue maybe.

MY BIRTHDAY IS COMING UP!

LESS THAN 2 WEEKS NOW :) FUCK YEAH!

OK I love love love my birthday . Last year I didn't love my birthday, I was going to be 25 and I was sad and thought I had to grow up or something like that. How ever! THIS YEAR I'M MAKING UP FOR IT! It's the one day I don't give a fuck what you are doing! You better come to my birthday party because... I'm always there for your fucking ass! I get one day. So I'm inviting only my 25 closest friends. hehe sadly I work with most of them and some people are getting a little sad I didn't invite them. oops.. I'm making some people a little upset.. I DON'T CARE! so the person hosting my party at their house has been nice so nice and ...I gave her a list of my 20 closest friends how ever I think I'm going to invite 5 ish more.. I'm leaving people out that I do like and I feel bad.. my sister from ks is coming .. I hope! shes trying ... hehehe I love my birthday I love my birthday I love my birthday.

sleepy want bed now.. please

HELLO! today is my sisters birthday... its the first year i really wish i was with her to enjoy this day with her. i think because we are getting older and because it didn't seem like she didn't really have anyone else to hang out with.

so i'm getting sued .. kind of... i mean i got some papers but the papers dont say your fucked it just says you could be fucked.. in 20-30 days.. dad says to call and make payments mom says they are pulling your bluff they wont do anything i get papers like that all the time. just throw it away.. so this may be why i am the way that i am. sometimes i'm conservative other times i'm crazy with no rules.. i blame the parents, its what every good therapist does!

Kevin and i are emailing back and forth. I'm so over Nick hes an ass i texted him a few times to see if he was ok because he was super drunk the other night.. and he flipped out .. not needed! so if he wants to get drunk and crash in to a tree be my guest.. he was pissed because he wanted to come over and i told him NO. so what ever i dont need a sloppy drunk at my house whos not going to remember the next morning what happened... or didn't happen.

i'm working a bunch of hours next week about 65 so its going to be a shitty week. i work 12 days in a row! what the hell is wrong with me ? who knows at this point

its been a while..

I don't know where to start. I would start from the beginning .. but I'm not to sure where that was...
I love LOVE having 3 days off don't have to do anything or you can when you want to. Its Sunday I have to work tomorrow for 13 days in a row. with one day off in the middle. i just have to think about the money, that's all that will get me threw this.
I kind of went off the deep end on Aug 13th and wrote this email to Kevin. .. eek..

i know we were not ever in a relationship but this is really hard on me. i have feelings for you . i don't know some how in my mind this was how it was going to be. i feel just put off . or left in the dust .. like i don't matter.. i know this all really doesn't matter to you. and I'll never be the girl you pick to even date no matter how much i think i like you. i don't know what to say all i can say is my feelings are hurt and I'm very sad inside. it hurts to see you drive past me knowing that I'll never really be apart of your life only part that you will let me be in. I'm sorry I'll never be that pretty girl or "your type" I'm just me and that's all i can ever be sorry if its not good enough. i wish i could say that i never fell for you and it was all just sex but sadly i did.

he responded Aug 23rd and said ...

For whatever it's worth, I'm apologize that the situation is the way it is. I'm not intentionally being or doing anything to make you miserable. If it seems like I am then it's something we both will have to deal with.
I'm not trying to ignore you or do anything bad. I just liked the situation as it was, the exact reason, i can't be sure, it was probably more like a combination of reasons. yes sex was probably a huge factor, i won't lie. i still think about a lot of those situations because it was absolute awesome, not because it basically little to no SA (strings attached), but because of everything that happened (you know damn well).
And it's not like it's an easy situation for me either, just so you know. A great portion of me was unhappy i had to give that up and even more difficult when you entice me the way you do.

I've read it 7 times and I don't know what to think. I thanked him for saying he was sorry their is not much more i can expect the guy to do. he kind of needs to move on with his life. altho i think he should be a great wonderful dr who is married to his job and we just hang out sometimes. :) i don't know whats wrong with me but i don't really want a commitment from him or from anyone and i feel really lonely in the world but what can you do .. just get up and go threw the motions of life day after day. i think i love him sometimes but other times i feel like I'm just in love with the idea of being in love.. if that makes since. i look at all of these marriages that fail and i don't want to be apart of that, or the ones where they are just in it for the kids.. to me that's not being happy. but what i have now witch is nothing isn't very happy either.

then! nick called me 6-7 times asking if he could come over!!!! i said are you drunk? he said yes! i said no you may not come over. .. (i didn't feel like dealing with a drunk). I told him to go home and I gave him about 20 minutes and i called him to see if he made it and he did answer or call me back or even text me back. so I'm not sure what happen with him but theirs nothing i can do i don't know where he was or where he lives. I felt bad for not letting him come over but why should he so he can pass out. It turns out its a good thing i said No ..

So i was sitting here by my self on a Saturday night almost texted one of my ex boyfriends. .. and I thought that would be a bad idea so i was going threw my phone and texted some random people.. my friend text me back and said i took 4 hydrocodone and I'm a little worried that may have been to many.... WTF ! so i texted his ex girlfriend and was like we need to probably head over there. she left work early and we went to check out the situation he seemed OK to me. He was definitely fucked up but I wasn't worried about his well being. so we hung out for a bit and his ex took all the pills in the house and we drove across town and went to a bar. I didn't drink because i was driving and she was really worried about him. so i took her all the way back across town to his house and took his keys and made him go home with her. he was up this morning and taking a shower but good god that's scary. that's something i can live with out. it could have been a lot worse and I'm very thankful it wasn't.

who died and made you god?

ugh, what the hell is this shit? my new manager needs to get off his high horse and get real. hes going to piss off a lot of people and he wont have anyone to manage. hes going to push to hard and we are not going to come back. i can't wait for the "team" meeting. i have a feeling its going to be more of him talking to us than us talking about things that really matter. work motto is "one team one reason". not in his head. i hope some one knocks him off his pedestal and lets him know hes no better than us. i don't know what to say.. but i'm thinking this is going to get old real quick!

little miss Ava!

well well well. little miss ava has her own suite at the hospital a big bath room and a tv and a pull out sofa to bad she doesn't even stay awake to see any of it. all she does is sleep and then sleep some more. she is oh so cute. i was up there yesterday and i got to feed her a bottle and she just fell back asleep. i made one of her alarms go off oops! so i gave her back to her mama! it seemed like i was there for 20 minutes and i was there for 3 hours!
about ava, (its 8-8-08 she is 4 days old!) she is maintaining her temp ya! she is eating ya! and she got her iv disconnected ya! she should move into a crib today ya! she is doing super well i'm super proud of her! she also lifts her own head and opened her eyes a little bit :) i love my little ava! shes tinny!

Ava Aryana has arived!

she looks soo perfect!

her little foot is soo cute!

she wants the blanket back on lady!

fingers are soo little.


all over but the crying.

it was all soo worth it! shes is perfect. She came into the world 7 weeks early and was 5.6lbs 17 1/4 inches!

hospital trips

my god! so yesterday i go to the hospital and i brought my step sister kristy some food a shake and some other food. and we chit chat for a bit and she tells me how i shouldn't do bring her stuff she doesn't need anything. then my step sister karleen brings up a soda and playing cards and some chex mix. after she was in the room a few minutes my dad and his wife shows up with a bk shake. (haha already gave her one before you did). when my dad came in he was extremely happy to see me. and said "how are you little girl" (i haven't been a little girl for a while!). my step mom was trying to chit chat with me and i would just answer her questions and then move on with a different conversation. then we took kristy out to smoke witch was near my car so i went with. kristy said that i was suborn and i said i get it from my dad. then my dad said "that soberness is the thing thats kept her (me) alive. witch was odd to me because i've wanted to die for a really long time it doesn't seem to me i've been fighting to be alive and its not like i have some kind of sickness or anything. but anyways my whole point is, is that i know what its like to be in the hospital and i would have hated to do it alone. i was always happy my dad was there even if he wasn't doing anything but standing around drinking coffee.

so upset

so upset that i can't even sign in right! ugh! wtf is wrong with my family?!?
step sis (kristy) is in the hospital trying to have a baby
step mom (bitch aka antia) telling kristy that the hospital is telling her she can't have visters so i can't come up!
i came up anyways. bitch makes kristy up set. bitch walks out on kristy when she should be there to help kristy.
bitch goes home to tell dad what a horrible person some other lies.
i call dad, dads dumb enough to put me on speaker phone so now the bitch knows that shes a bitch.. thanks to me.
its going to make the visit tomorrow at the hospital a little awkward. dad shouldn't put me on speaker phone .. ever!
i can't go to sleep because bitch is a bitch and dad is dumb. i'm going to act like i didn't know i was on speaker phone and just pretend i didn't say anything ever! ugh! my parents think they are smarter than i. how ever my whole life i've had to think one step a head of them! she is evil to the core. right down to beating me with my own crutch when i was 8 years old! she has my dad so fucked up he doesn't know what way is right. she is so drugged up on meds that its not even funny. the woman is crazy. i'm really happy we dont have the same blood. i would be a little worried if i was. i just want to stop thinking about this so i can fall a sleep. man. this lady has been making my life difficult for 17 years! i'm just happy i dont have to live with her anymore. thats for sure!

ugh

so i'm going to just trust that kevin is telling me the truth. hes never lied to me, and maybe some day we will be together. lol yeah right. but it seems every time i'm upset with him he just fixes me. i mean i know about everything that makes him happy in bed. but i dont know much out sided of that i wish we could be a couple i wish i could know what makes him happy day to day. i dont know what ever it doesn't matter. i think i'm just in love with the idea of us being together and once we were it would just be a lost feeling of what to do next. idk.
i have to get ready for my horrible job. where people argue with me and i have to prove my point and people who don't want to do there job call me so i have to do it for them. i'm about sick of this. i wish the people i like would stop going on vacation that would make the job a little bit easier. i like most of the people on my desk. i would like some of them more if they would stay out of my bubble! our new boss sent me an email and it was more of a demand than hey will ya do this. so it kind of scared me yesterday because i dont know if this is how this is going to be? this new boss situation. i mean i am basically the reason why he has the job he has. i got a few of us to send an email or 2 and then talked to my current boss to tell him that he should talk to the big boss and tell her that this is the guy we want. i was impressed how it turned out. i just hope i dont regret it. other wise we would have someone who wouldn't have worked out very well at all. so at least now there is hope.

its true

i think we have to many blog writers and not enough blog readers.
yesterday was a really good day. i got a table! i've wanted a bar table for a long time! i finally have one. it was only 100 dollars that's really cheap and it came with 2 chairs. it was just me and my dad, for those few hours, no step mom or step sister. i do love my step sister but she is so loud that she takes over every conversation. so we had lunch and then got the table and then we went to the store, i was soooo happy he helped me carry in all my heavy groceries. its always interesting how he has an option on what i buy. he was like " are you really going to buy Roberts milk.." i was like "well yeah" i don't know what was wrong with roberts milk but i bought it. i simply like the pink cap :). the other night my neighbor above me had sex all night long. it was irritating listening to that, come on now.
i'm going out of town 3 times in the month of august can you believe that? i can't! i dont know if i'll go to the family reunion. i mean man i'll have to take off another 2 days to go. man. i know how much my dad likes me to go but i went last year.. i just heard that one of my uncle may have cansor. that's what everyone in the family dies from. so i should go out and see him while hes still well. we will see.
i have a table. i told my dad about 12 times that i have a table, after the 12th he told me to find someone else to tell. lol. so i was smiling and he said "what" i said "i just wanted to say that i was really happy about having a table
but you told me not to say that anymore" he laughed.
i feel like i just get up and go to work every day. i don't really feel like i have a day off when i do have one, because they are full of so many things to do. i really really really need to do laundry but i really really really really don't want to. i'll probably do it to night when i get off work. if i can't find something else better to do. hehe.
so now that i have a table i want a bigger tv and i want new sofa and a new chair :) the want list never ends. and maybe if i could work and stop going out of town i'd have enough money to buy these things!
oh my good god. my mom was ridicules the other day. she called and left a voice mail and 2 days later i had not called her back and then i get a nasty ass voice mail! by the way a nasty ass vm is NOT going to make me want to call you back. i did send her an email and told her i was busy. i just honestly don't want to talk on the phone after being on the phone all day at work. ya know.
i think its time to do some work. :)

Status: In a Relationship

I'm a little hurt to find out that Kevin (hot neighbor) is in a Relationship! I mean he and I have had our thing going for 3 years and has out lasted many relationships but... for him to LIE to me thats uncalled for. He told me that he made a bet with this girl who was a friend that they wouldn't sleep with anyone for 90 days. The bet is 100 dollars. He tells me this I'm like wtf I'm the one getting screwed with this deal. I'm worth a 100 bucks get over here and show me. Why the hell would you make a bet like that? he told me he was being a different person and trying to keep to his word now and he didn't want to lie. about winning. I thought it was odd but I didn't think much of it I have a whole lot of shit come up in the next to weeks and then last night I was relaxing had the night to my self and I think.. why did Kevin tell me that I could find a good guy. Why did he say that I was pretty much the only girl he was with right now (not the only girl). Wait a minute it sounds like he is walking around the truth. Lets log on to myspace, sure enough, Status: In a Relationship. ok ok ok breath ok what does the girl look like... BETH "You are my sunshine" is the comment she left . my heart stops. Shes hot shes probably everything I'm not. How could he lie to me. I've never asked him for anything. I guess he is thinking that he wants his cake and eat it to. But Aug 1st the day his bet would be up, wouldn't I expect him to text me. What was his plain after that? I don't care I feel hurt and betrade. He has been the only one that I've been with over a year now. I know that we were not in a relationship but we've had this time apart when I was in KS I thought about him and I being in a relationship alot. There are a lot of things that I liked about him but we have nothing in common we could never be something more. He doesn't like that I'm not trying to be a Dr. or a lawyer or something wonderful. It was just good sex and I need to get over it. I mean after 3 years its kind of hard. Worst things have happened, like the love of my life marrying some other girl. and not telling me about it. (these guys I tell ya they think they can get away with this shit, maybe for a little while but not for long.)

update

1:14 PM me: hey
Kevin: good morning
me: did you lie to me?
1:15 PM Kevin: not that I know of, sup ?
me: about the bet
Kevin: no i didn't lie to you about the bet
me: it looks like you have a girlfriend
1:16 PM Kevin: that i do
me: is that why you did not want to sleep with me?
Kevin: no
1:17 PM i didn't want to sleep with you because of the bet
me: so your not sleeping with your girlfriend either
Kevin: which im still upholding by the way :P
1:18 PM me: i dont know it just seemed kind of odd. so are we basicly done or what
1:19 PM Kevin: well what do you mean by that?
1:20 PM me: i mean if you have a girlfriend are you done sleeping with me?
1:22 PM Kevin: well as much as I would like to do both for obvious reasons, im not so sure she would be down with that
me: ok
i guess have fun with that
Kevin: well gee
1:23 PM me: have you not got any of my text
i mean i've been pretty upset about this whole thing
Kevin: i don't have text messaging anymore :D
1:24 PM new plan saves me 30 bucks a month.
i may get it again, but for now i barely use my phone
if im not at work, im at school and if not there im at home working
me: to me it looked like you gave me a line of bull shit about a bet ... and i go on to my space to find out you have a girlfriend so it looks like you've lied to me
1:25 PM Kevin: nope, no bull shit. although the way things worked themselves out i can see it that way
1:26 PM me: yeah
so anyways.. are we done?
1:27 PM Kevin: maybe a hiatus
1:28 PM like i said, you have much to be desired, but i can't imagine it beings something compatible with my current situation
me: i mean is she the one.. or is it like a fling
1:29 PM Kevin: oh hell i can't tell if she's "the one" but i know it's not a fling
1:30 PM i dunno, the last girlfriend wasnt really much of a fling either, and she wasn't really the one either (obviously)
i did feel kinda bad for doing it
1:31 PM but at the same time i didn't really regret it either
1:32 PM me: i understand
i've been upset for 2 weeks thinking you were ignoring me
and that you lied to me
Kevin: oh naw
1:33 PM me: and you've never lied to me or ever had a reason to and thats why i was so confused
i really just thought you told me about this bet to keep me at bay until you figured things out with your girlfriend
i felt cheep .. and my heart was broke
1:34 PM Kevin: it's not like that
me: even if you dont have text dont you still get the text i send
1:35 PM Kevin: nope my phone has no message sending or receiving capabilities
but
1:38 PM me: well we just have such a past that i would hate to throw it away.
Kevin: i know
me: i just wish you would have told me that you had a girlfriend insted of me finding out the way i did
1:39 PM Kevin: well i didn't have text messaging since like early julyish ?
1:40 PM end up with this gal mid july
so i mean things kinda just dropped into where they are like .. quickly
1:41 PM and it's not like i've been running around proclaiming it
1:42 PM me: i'm just saying
Kevin: i know
but i mean there's not really much i can say or am willing to do
1:43 PM and im not doing any of it to spite you
me: yeah i get that now.
anyways
1:44 PM you should come over aug 1st
Kevin: ugh i want to for obvious reasons
me: i diserve it
1:45 PM one last time :)
1:46 PM Kevin: you see the problem with that is good stuff like the way it works out... there's one last time, and then theres one last time
me: sad day
1:47 PM Kevin: trust, It's not like i don't think about it often
1:48 PM me: i'm sure i think about it more than you :)
1:50 PM Kevin: Oh i dunno i think about it quite often
1:51 PM me: me to
Kevin: and will probably continue to do so for .. who knows
1:53 PM i'm really happy i got to talk to you and get this all cleared up
Kevin: okie dokie
1:54 PM me: have fun thinking about .. things
Kevin: you know it
1:55 PM feel free to email me here at any time, i check this email regularly

what can ya do

we had a horrible storm the other day, they are calling it a hurricane like storm in Nebraska! we had up to 112 mph winds. trees are uprooted and tossed about on to major power lines. large construction equipment thrown about targets parking lot in to cars and in to the trailer park just accost the parking lot. drywall acting like a concrete block smashing in to the windshield of cars. the side of garages panted with leaves that looked like they just went threw a shredder first. peoples roof have been torn off.

this is day 2 with out power. its fun for the first 3 hours after that it gets a bit old. my shower this morning (all tho my water is heated by gas, it still uses an electric switch to turn it on. same with the fireplace.) I'm just a little bored, I've been hanging out with friends to keep busy. and to charge up the cell phone. work has power, sadly this is a good thing, because i need money for my vacation. I'll post some pictures as soon as i get my power back on. its amazing what the weather can do.

take your daughter to work day

I got up early this morning and went to my dads work. I've been thinking about going out there for a while and today I had an hour before I had to go to work and I was already in my car and the radio on had my coffee I was ready for a drive. So I drove across Omaha it was about a 20 minute drive. When I got there I didn't know if I could just walk threw the door that said do not come in unless you are apart of the staff. The lady sitting on the other side of a big glass window asked "can I help you?" I said "yes, is mark davis here?" she said "mark you have someone here to see you" he comes around the corner with his glasses down on his nose and said "HI!" with a big smile on his face, he goes on "that’s my daughter!" and they all asked "what he did to me" aka "why is she on crutches" and he was explaining it the long way… so I kind of took over so I could sum up the conversation and visit with my dad. It was soo nice to be there he told everyone .. "that’s my daughter that’s my daughter!" and when I left I was walking out and he says again "that’s my daughter!" he was soo happy to see me and he was so proud to tell everyone who I was. It just gave me the best feeling in the whole world! My daddy was happy to see me. awww

cAn'T sLeEp !

so moms coming to town in like 8 days. I'm stressed! high anxiety i can't handle it. 8 days away and i can not sleep what the F? ugh my apartment is way to small for 2 grown people to come and stay with me. she is so type A personality that i dint know what to do. i can not afford them to be here for 2 days i do not have the money to feed them and i can not afford to take off work anymore than i am.. she doesn't know how to get to my apartment and i can tell her a 100 times but i'm afraid its still going to be a big fight when she gets here. its going to be so many questions about how i do not clean well enough, about why are you using this kind of dish soap and not this kind and why do you put your towels here they should be there.. ok i may be exaggerating this a very very little bit she may not care about the kind of dish soap i use. i have a studio you don't understand its to small for even ME! i'm going to hear it .. i am.. where are all the pictures i send you .. why don't you have the huge picture of your self i gave you.. where is the picture of your grandma and me .. you don't like anything i do for you .. you are so disrespectful.. eeek! its not that i just don't like a 100 pictures of my self on every wall.. it got to the point that my friends were like.. you like your self a little bit huh.. and i would have to say my mom sends them to me and they would say .. doesn't mean you have to have them up . i just feel uneasy about this whole trip.. because after my mom comes here to omaha i then have to take her and my brother to KS where my sister lives... ugh, when my mom and my sister get together they just kind of pick on me.. i'm always the odd one out.. i dont wear a size 9 like they do .. i dont do what they do.. i'm not the perfect one i'm just me.. i swear to god if this trip to ks goes down hill some people will be left there and i will come home on my own. i dont care if you are family dont piss me off..hmm that felt good to say how ever .. its not true .. i'll just be pissy and deal with it.. my sister said that my mom is super excited .. i wish i was more excited than worried about how all of this will turn out. man.. shes going to pick on me about my apartment about my cat .. how my cat leaves hair around.. you just don't understand how bad this is truly going to suck ass holes... i'm doomed! i don't do well in these situations i become more and more upset until the littlest thing ticks me off and then i just lose it.. its going to get to the point where i'm super stressed and my mom showes up and says .. why did you tell me to turn there and not here .. i'm going to scream "the trip is off i'm staying home" .... at least i know my self to know what to expect ..

god hates me i've decided.

i love my mom when i go see here.. but its hard .. omaha is to big for her to drive around in. she does not like big city's. and unless i'm in the car with you .. i do not give very good directions.

i'm laying in bed and my palms are sweaty and i cant sleep and i'm tossing and turning over something that's not happening for 8 days! maybe 9! fuck. fuck. fuck. i don't want to be responsible for this situation i just want to be the by stander .. I'm a good by stander.. i watch people fight and then stick my 2 cents in and then i laugh and judge who had the winning side.

i'm going to hear about what kind of food i have i'm going to hear about why i only have one breakfast choice.. umm because i'm not in a 5 star hotel. that's why. because i live on my own with no kids and i can eat the same thing every morning. i kind of like it. i know what i'm going to eat tomorrow morning .. because its the same thing i had this morning.

i just have a fear shes going to come into town super early and shes going to show up at my work (not sure how she'll find it) and then i don't know what to do with her for 5 hours until i get off of work. i picture my self showing her my desk and telling her who everyone is and then her just sitting at my desk with her legs crossed staring at me .. with that look of disapproval .. and the whole thing would be .. is that i told her to leave at 4pm and she left at 4 am instead because she wanted to beat the traffic .. but she still gets stuck in traffic but its the morning traffic. ugh. i'm going to hear about how i never clean behind my stove or my fridge. i'm going to hear about the clump of tooth past that may have been left that morning before i go to work .. i'm going to hear about how i don't have a door on my bathroom.. fuck i'm going to have to put the door back on.. sigh.

at this point you may be thinking i'm making this up to be more than it really is.. how ever.. don't say that until you meet my mom.

today is a good day.

this morning i woke up and i had a thing or 2 to do. i went down and did a taste testing for some food and left there and had to go swimming. i have not been in my pool since it opened on may 26th and today is the 20th of june. we have been having bad weather or i've been at work on our really nice days. i was soo happy when i got there and had the WHOLE thing to my self! i couldn't get out of my clothes fast enough and the water was chilly because it was 1130am. i got to swim and play and twirl and be happy. i got to flout in the water and enjoy the sun light beaming on to my pale white skin. after this i laid in the sun until i was dry enough and then came home. with nothing to do i laid in bed and then got up and got dressed with out taking a shower (shh don't tell). and i went to my apartment people and signed a new lease. i didn't really want to but i just need to freshen up my apartment i think i'm just tired of looking at the same white walls. i need paint i need color and i need a little touch of happiness. so then i went to the store and picked up a few things and someone brought them out to my car for me and no one asked me why i couldn't walk. then i came home chit chatted on the phone for a bit .. and i still have a whole bunch of hours left in the day.. its crazy being up this early i don't know what to do with my self. and tomorrow i have that day off too! yaaa! so nice , today .. is a good day. i feel as tho i make to many restrictions on my own life. that i forget that sometimes i don't have to do this in order to do that .. how about just doing that and dealing with this later. i want to make cupcakes. i think i will ya!

Baby Food

This is what pisses me off about not being able to walk! EVERY TIME I buy banana's they end up smashed. Every ones like ooh you should eat at home its cheaper its healthier.. well they can carry in my groceries so my bread and my banana's do not become baby food!

I was proud of my self tho I bought a 12 pack of soda (me so happy) I normally do not do this because it is to heavy for me to carry in (and it was) but I did it. I did have to leave the milk be hind for next time because that would have been just to much. Apparently I was crazy when i was at the sore because I bought 90 dollars worth of food. And then had to carry in all 15 bags. I really wish a video camera would fallow me around for a week and see the things I have to do to get things done. I do not think people truly understand how hard my life is, how much work it can be to do things you do so easily. I'm tired of asking for help (other than small things like water or a soda here and there). Honestly I'm not asking for sympathy or pity, just stop and think every once in a while and realize that your every day life could be harder. ya know? I don't feel sorry for my self, but every once in a while I think to my self .. damn this sucks!! Then a few tears fall and I wipe them a way and know what doesn't kill you makes you stronger .. and my life could be worse. At least my apartment isn't in a flood and my car hasn't been destroyed by a tornado.

Free firewood

Sadly there was a tornado in Omaha a week or so ago. My cat and I spent some time in the closet thankfully we and everyone we knew are ok.

Tonight I was at work and we had a tornado warning starting at 7pm until 915pm we were off the phones and I was in a tornado safe class room surrounded by glass. We were able to pull up the weather and we sat threw the first warning and at 815 they extended it for another hour! You realizes that you should always keep gum or breath mints on you when its this time of year.. just for those extra close times you share with your co-workers.

But honestly I'm thankful that we make it ok threw this one as well. I hope this all comes to an end soon. I don't remember it ever being this bad. I think it has a lot to do with the weather changing so dramatically, with global warming. My heart goes out to all of those people in the flooding areas. You can't do anything but watch the water come up, and up, and up! In the few pictures we have seen on the Internet it looks like the whole city's are coming together to keep the water out of the downtown and that's always nice to see. I hope it all comes to an end soon. or we will have to play out the move "water world" i never did like that movie. Perhaps the wind will dry up the water and than we can go back to how we were!

Sister "karriann" came to town

"But its Gauche" my sister says..

I say "I don't care what it is I'm trying to take a picture of you, besides I don't know what that means."

She goes on "Gauche .. Prada.. Coach .. you know.. "

I said nope have no idea... its taking up to much room put it on the floor so I can take a picture .. I mean on the table I don't care get it out of my shot. . "

"How about like this .. with my Starbucks"

I said "We are not doing a Starbucks commercial I just want my a picture of my sister!"

"Did you just roll your eyes at me?"

"Yes I did" I went on "Sit up and smile and look like you love me! "

All in all it was good to see my sister. My dads wife was rude like always trying to tell me my dad was going to be taking a nap so my sister wouldn't come over to the house. I have to put up with her so she can deal with me and my sister and we will come over when ever we want to! I wish my dad would wake up and smell the coffee and realize that shes always has treated us different... like we are beneath her. The fact is .. no matter what she does we will always be my daddy's girls.

I can get as mad as I want at my sister but no one shall ever say anything rude to her or about her because I'll always be the first one to stick up for her. We have our little fights and little arguments and all it means is that we love each other, its the only way we know how to show it sometimes. When I tell her you drive me nuts .. it really means I love you so much! We are our own dysfunctional family, and i love it, I also miss it. Thankfully its summer so we will be seeing more of each other.. It is easier to travel in the summer than the winter.

we have so much in common and that's more than likely why we can get on each others nerves. Like when we went shopping and we pick out the same thing every time. I was looking at some drinking glasses and I said I LOVE THIS ONE she said "I already own them" ha!

if you could see what you say..

Ya for a new camera!
I will have to post lots of pictures. that will be my new task. I think pictures do say a 1,000 words.
I think I should start watching what I say... for instants last night I was a little irritated talking to my cousin and she was complaining about the tornado weather and I said "well you should live in Omaha .. Omaha Never has tornado's ... " and then last night at about 230am the tornado came threw Omaha. OOPS..
one other time this has happened this guy named Nick had pissed me off to no end!!! i was soo mad at him and left a voice mail that said "i hope you die" (it was back when i was young and not very nice) That night he ended up in the ER because he had ate something he was allergic to and his air ways were closing up.. and he did almost die. .. oops ..
I had lunch with my sister and my dad today (breakfast food for lunch such a Davis thing) I feel a little bad because i stole the conversation.. Its not my fault my dad likes my story's.. I'm closer to my dad than my sister and she is closer to my mom .. what can you do. I make my dad laugh and i do get a kick out of being able to do that. i sit down for 2 minutes and hes already cracking up. we have the same kind of humor. When we watch TV together we both laugh at the same time at the same things and my step mom never gets what we were laughing at.
I wish i could show you a pic of this overwhelming sized monster energy drink i have!
man its only 452pm i have to work until 1130 still 6 1/2 hours.. shesh! i wish i could upload pics while at work! that would be awesome!

I feel better

I've been a little depress as of late. If I stay busy I'm ok, but once the music stops I get a bit sad.
Sad
Lay in bed
Thing about debt
get depress
Then I don't want to get out of bed
to do laundry
to go to work (to make money)
then I'm sadder because now I'm losing money
I go to work
People as dumb questions
I become easily irritated
Sister wants me to live my weekend around her
I'm still irritated
I leave work early lose more money
Get gas (depressing all by its self)
go shopping
spend money
fill guilty for spending money
I think I need new brakes
I need money for brakes
shit I left work early
go to dads
tell dad I'm irritated with sister
he asks whats the real reason you are upset
because I bought a 200 dollar camera and I'm in debt and they keep calling me and I may need brakes.
dad "so fix it"
me "ok"
lets get ice cream
sigh
I feel better.

asses

I really want to watch my shows... I mean yeah.. the tornado could be taking my apartment down but I would like to enjoy my last few moments of life by watching super nanny. asses.
So last night I get home at 130am and someone took my handicap spot!!! asses. I mean do they think that spot is for looks or maybe just to piss of the people who can walk.. well they are wrong.. I really can not walk .. and i really would like to park in my spot when its 130am and its that creepy dark out. when you don't know if someone is going to come out and stab you to death or not.. I don't really care to walk all the way across the parking lot.
the thoughts i had as i walked passed this car (a) to key it (b) to call the cops so they could get a ticket (c) to have it towed (d) bash in the windows
They are very lucky I'm not violent or mean.. and only have mean thoughts .. by the way i did double check to make sure the car did not have a handicap sticker in it and then got to my front door and lost all ambition to do anything harmful.. asses.

Straw that broke that camels back

My cousin was upset with me telling her no, (about letting her use my work discount). said all of these mean things and the whole I never want to talk to you again thing. I never really got mad about it, I knew she was just upset. I just couldn't believe her being 8 months older than I she didn't have any tact. It was as if she had never been told no before in her life she just wanted to get her way and said everything she could trying to get her way. It was all over texting so it wasn't like she didn't have time to think before she sent the message. It wasn't like we were screaming on the phone at each other and you say something out anger she had to type it (as we all know can take a minute or longer depending on how long the message is). I was shocked. anyways half of the messages where to long thankfully I didn't have to read you are such a ..... and then the message would end. so who knows. I was talking with my dad telling him this story and he said oh yeah I already know your aunt already told me. So now I know its getting around the family... Sunday night I'm at work she text's me and says " I need my best friend back!" "I need to talk to you!" she said "can't you go to the bathroom for a few minutes so I can talk to you!" I said "No, I'm the only one working" she throws a fit. trying to get her way again. I was thinking someone had died by the way she was acting. so I quick call her and said "whats going on I can't talk to you right now" She said "oh i was just trying to get my way. .. you can call me when you get off of work" WHAT!!!! OMG! I said " you really need to stop doing that and hung up the phone!"
Ok I get off of work and I call her and I'm on my way to the local Jimmy Johns and my phone dies.. oops.. so its after midnight i didn't call her back she texted me to tell me shes going to bed.
Next day, Monday I'm off so I thought I would give her a call to find out what is going on I now know its not life or death so I called and she complained about her other friends for about 40 minutes and all this drama that she has created her self! She wanted the cousin of these 2 girls to get along. apparently it was a family falling out and now everyone is upset with her because she was trying to get the 3 of them and her to hang out. so after she was done complaining I said sooo do you know why this all started .. she said no why i said because you wanted these people to get along and they didn't want to and now they are mad at you. so don't try to help people who don't want the help.. ..
She had said about someone "well she was acting like a 2 year old so I did the same thing back." I'm sure that's not what we are to do when we grow up we are to look past that and say "I'm not going to go down to that level I'm going to act my age" not to forget to point out she was just acting like a 2 year old on her own when she was mad at me about me telling her no.
And she wants to walk around and say she is a "Jehovah Witness" well shes not acting very godly at these moments is she.
So anyways my whole point is... after this whole fight and this whole conversation I start to think you do kind of become more distant after each fight that you have when you get older.. you kind of separate your self from that. It didn't feel like ya I'm so happy to talk to you ... after you say all those mean things to me... maybe its just another faze in my life maybe it will go away and the next time I go to see her it will be exciting. idk maybe this is the straw that broke the camels back.

so i can't walk .. get over it I did!

congenital hip dysplasia

A condition of abnormal development of the hip, resulting in hip joint instability and potential dislocation of the thigh bone from the socket in the pelvis. This condition has been more recently termed developmental hip dysplasia, as it often develops over the first few weeks, months, or years of life.

Description

Congenital hip dysplasia is a disorder in children that is either present at birth or shortly thereafter. During gestation, the infant's hip should be developing with the head of the thigh bone (femur) sitting perfectly centered in its shallow socket (acetabulum). The acetabulum should cover the head of the femur as if it were a ball sitting inside of a cup. In the event of congenital hip dysplasia, the development of the acetabulum in an infant allows the femoral head to ride upward out of the joint socket, especially when weight bearing begins.

Spinal Cord Tumors

The spinal cord is, in part, like a living telephone cable. Lying protected the bony spine, it contains bundles of nerves that carry messages between the brain and the body's nerves, such as instructions from the brain to move an arm or information from the skin that signals pain. A tumor that forms on or near the spinal cord can disrupt this communication. Often, these tumors exert pressure on the spinal cord or the nerves that exit from it; sometimes, they restrict the cord's supply of blood.

The man who saved my life...

Fred Epstein, who died Sunday at 68, was a neurosurgeon known for his innovative and aggressive treatment of brain and spinal tumors in children, and also for his humanistic philosophy of treatment, which brought a holistic focus on the family to pediatric surgery.

He was founding director of the Hymen-Newman Institute for Neurology and Neurosurgery at Beth Israel Medical Center in New York. While keeping the institute at the forefront of medical technology with robotic surgical tools and the like, he also brought in a Buddhist monk to help patients meditate and once brought the Dalai Lama along on his ward rounds.
The Washington Times said of him that he had "the gray eminence of a space-shuttle commander with the mushiness of Leo Buscaglia."

A rarity among specialists, Epstein's number was published in the Greenwich phonebook, and he encouraged prospective patients to call him at all hours. He was known for operating in cowboy boots, much to the delight of children, who called him simply "Fred."
Epstein was known as a charismatic advocate who rejected the conventional emotional wall between doctor and patient. He would go to nearly heroic lengths, sometimes to the consternation of critics. "I'm outraged about tumors," he told Ted Koppel in a 2001 interview on Nightline, one of his many appearances in the national news. "I guess I've dedicated my life, really, to trying to cure them all."

In another interview, with the Washington Times in 1993, Epstein said, "I cannot go into the operating room until the child is asleep. If I go before the child is asleep I get terribly upset, y'- know? Crying, I just can't go."

Epstein's career came to an abrupt end in 2001, when he fell from his bicycle and — despite wearing a helmet — sustained severe neurological damage that left him in a coma for weeks, and partially paralyzed. His beloved INN, which once boasted the highest number of pediatric discharges in the city, was parceled out among other hospitals.
Epstein grew up in Yonkers. He was the son of a psychiatrist and decided at an early age to become a doctor. But he was an indifferent student, and was initially rejected at a dozen medical schools. He later came to attribute his problems to attention deficit disorder, which he overcame through determination. He graduated from New York Medical College in 1963. After completing his neurosurgical residency at New York University-Bellevue Medical Center in 1970, he was appointed assistant professor of Neurosurgery at New York University. In 1983, he became director of the division of pediatric neurosurgery, a specialty he helped to invent.

Epstein was involved with several high-profile surgeries over the years, including one in 1981 on Yankee pitcher Tommy John's son Travis, who fell out of a window and injured his head when he landed on the family car. Epstein's surgery was successful, and, as with many of his cases, he kept in touch with the family for years afterwards. Mr. John credited Epstein with saving his son's life.

In a seemingly bizarre case that received national play, Epstein in 1997 agreed to operate on a millionaire's dog, a pug with a spinal problem, on condition that the millionaire pay for surgery for a needy child. "You know what was the hardest thing for me?" Epstein told ABC News. "While I was operating on the spinal cord, to become adjusted to the adjacent operating room barking." The beneficiary was a Pennsylvania boy with a spinal tumor, which Epstein operated on. The next year, the pug and the boy visited Epstein together for a checkup. (As of 2005, the boy was alive but the pug had died of old age.)

Also in 1997, after a British girl under his care died, Epstein was criticized by a leading British cancer specialist for offering victims of cancer false hope with "useless" treatments, and the British General Medical Council lodged a formal complaint with the New York Medical Board. The complaint went nowhere, and the girl's father praised Epstein in a news report in the Scotsman for giving his daughter "an extra nine months." He added, "British doctors are a disgrace, most of them. They give in too easily. They should learn from Dr. Epstein."
The way Epstein liked to tell the story, he came to his humanistic view of treatment through a poem written by a terminal patient with brain cancer, that ended "I ask you, reader, whoever you may be, take my trembling hand and warm it with care and sympathy."
"I just keep thinking, ‘Hold my trembling hand,'" Epstein told Mr. Koppel.
In 1996, Beth Israel gave him the opportunity to put his beliefs in action with a state-of-the-art pediatric facility, the INN. About 100 NYU staff members followed Epstein to his new venture. In addition to modern technology, the $25 million facility was outfitted with sleeper chairs so parents could stay with their kids.The recovery room was eliminated so children could wake up with their parents.

In 2003, partially paralyzed by his bicycle accident and wearing an eye-patch to combat double vision, Epstein gathered inspirational stories of sick children for a book titled "When I Get to Five," the title coming from a 4-year-old cancer patient who dreamed of what she would accomplish in just a year — tying her shoes and riding a two-wheeler.
Children, he wrote, are "remarkably resilient in the face of life-threatening illness, largely because of their openness to experience and their willingness to live fully in the present." The book concluded, "We may know too much about the unpredictable ways of the world to expect a happy ending, but we can't help but hope for one all the same. It's the only way to get to five."
Fred EpsteinBorn July 26, 1937, in Yonkers; died July 9 of metastatic malignant melanoma at his home in Greenwich, Conn.; survived by his wife of 42 years, Kathy, his children Samara Epstein Cohen, Ilana Epstein Grady, Jason Epstein, Joseph Epstein, and Benjamin Epstein; three grandchildren and a brother, Simon Epstein, M.D.

1st time blogger long time reader

Ya! I'm a blogger now. This all started because today I was on the internet and I was looking for an interesting blog to read, I was not able to find one so I thought what better to do than to make your own blog.
This weekend was crazy and hectic but I enjoyed most of it. I realized for how much I crave to be around my big family I still love my hole in the wall apartment with my cat Phoenix. Speaking of cats, my step brothers cat had kittens and they have 7 toes on each of the front paws. Its it odd that I want one only because its different. I also think Phoenix needs a friend. I leave for 11 to 20 hours day when I have to work. She just seems a little bored and maybe sad. But then again its another mouth to feed. More poop to scoop. I have 2 or 3 more weeks to think about it the kittens are only 5 weeks old.
So about this weekend, I was in Blair with my step brother Tony his wife and there 4 kids. My step sister Kara with her 2 kids (from FL) and my other step sister Kristy with her 2 kids. My other step sister Karleen she has no kids. My dad and his wife. The funniest part was when my step brother Tony said "how's it feel to be related to all of these crazy people.." and I said "the only person I'm related to is the guy downstairs playing Xbox. (my dad)" Tony is a nice guy a bit over stressed and demanding and type A personality everything has to be done NOW! Just not me. And I feel bad for his wife but she married the guy.
Well I guess I should do some work. I'll be back to blog some more.