cAn'T sLeEp !

so moms coming to town in like 8 days. I'm stressed! high anxiety i can't handle it. 8 days away and i can not sleep what the F? ugh my apartment is way to small for 2 grown people to come and stay with me. she is so type A personality that i dint know what to do. i can not afford them to be here for 2 days i do not have the money to feed them and i can not afford to take off work anymore than i am.. she doesn't know how to get to my apartment and i can tell her a 100 times but i'm afraid its still going to be a big fight when she gets here. its going to be so many questions about how i do not clean well enough, about why are you using this kind of dish soap and not this kind and why do you put your towels here they should be there.. ok i may be exaggerating this a very very little bit she may not care about the kind of dish soap i use. i have a studio you don't understand its to small for even ME! i'm going to hear it .. i am.. where are all the pictures i send you .. why don't you have the huge picture of your self i gave you.. where is the picture of your grandma and me .. you don't like anything i do for you .. you are so disrespectful.. eeek! its not that i just don't like a 100 pictures of my self on every wall.. it got to the point that my friends were like.. you like your self a little bit huh.. and i would have to say my mom sends them to me and they would say .. doesn't mean you have to have them up . i just feel uneasy about this whole trip.. because after my mom comes here to omaha i then have to take her and my brother to KS where my sister lives... ugh, when my mom and my sister get together they just kind of pick on me.. i'm always the odd one out.. i dont wear a size 9 like they do .. i dont do what they do.. i'm not the perfect one i'm just me.. i swear to god if this trip to ks goes down hill some people will be left there and i will come home on my own. i dont care if you are family dont piss me off..hmm that felt good to say how ever .. its not true .. i'll just be pissy and deal with it.. my sister said that my mom is super excited .. i wish i was more excited than worried about how all of this will turn out. man.. shes going to pick on me about my apartment about my cat .. how my cat leaves hair around.. you just don't understand how bad this is truly going to suck ass holes... i'm doomed! i don't do well in these situations i become more and more upset until the littlest thing ticks me off and then i just lose it.. its going to get to the point where i'm super stressed and my mom showes up and says .. why did you tell me to turn there and not here .. i'm going to scream "the trip is off i'm staying home" .... at least i know my self to know what to expect ..

god hates me i've decided.

i love my mom when i go see here.. but its hard .. omaha is to big for her to drive around in. she does not like big city's. and unless i'm in the car with you .. i do not give very good directions.

i'm laying in bed and my palms are sweaty and i cant sleep and i'm tossing and turning over something that's not happening for 8 days! maybe 9! fuck. fuck. fuck. i don't want to be responsible for this situation i just want to be the by stander .. I'm a good by stander.. i watch people fight and then stick my 2 cents in and then i laugh and judge who had the winning side.

i'm going to hear about what kind of food i have i'm going to hear about why i only have one breakfast choice.. umm because i'm not in a 5 star hotel. that's why. because i live on my own with no kids and i can eat the same thing every morning. i kind of like it. i know what i'm going to eat tomorrow morning .. because its the same thing i had this morning.

i just have a fear shes going to come into town super early and shes going to show up at my work (not sure how she'll find it) and then i don't know what to do with her for 5 hours until i get off of work. i picture my self showing her my desk and telling her who everyone is and then her just sitting at my desk with her legs crossed staring at me .. with that look of disapproval .. and the whole thing would be .. is that i told her to leave at 4pm and she left at 4 am instead because she wanted to beat the traffic .. but she still gets stuck in traffic but its the morning traffic. ugh. i'm going to hear about how i never clean behind my stove or my fridge. i'm going to hear about the clump of tooth past that may have been left that morning before i go to work .. i'm going to hear about how i don't have a door on my bathroom.. fuck i'm going to have to put the door back on.. sigh.

at this point you may be thinking i'm making this up to be more than it really is.. how ever.. don't say that until you meet my mom.