sleepy want bed now.. please

HELLO! today is my sisters birthday... its the first year i really wish i was with her to enjoy this day with her. i think because we are getting older and because it didn't seem like she didn't really have anyone else to hang out with.

so i'm getting sued .. kind of... i mean i got some papers but the papers dont say your fucked it just says you could be fucked.. in 20-30 days.. dad says to call and make payments mom says they are pulling your bluff they wont do anything i get papers like that all the time. just throw it away.. so this may be why i am the way that i am. sometimes i'm conservative other times i'm crazy with no rules.. i blame the parents, its what every good therapist does!

Kevin and i are emailing back and forth. I'm so over Nick hes an ass i texted him a few times to see if he was ok because he was super drunk the other night.. and he flipped out .. not needed! so if he wants to get drunk and crash in to a tree be my guest.. he was pissed because he wanted to come over and i told him NO. so what ever i dont need a sloppy drunk at my house whos not going to remember the next morning what happened... or didn't happen.

i'm working a bunch of hours next week about 65 so its going to be a shitty week. i work 12 days in a row! what the hell is wrong with me ? who knows at this point

its been a while..

I don't know where to start. I would start from the beginning .. but I'm not to sure where that was...
I love LOVE having 3 days off don't have to do anything or you can when you want to. Its Sunday I have to work tomorrow for 13 days in a row. with one day off in the middle. i just have to think about the money, that's all that will get me threw this.
I kind of went off the deep end on Aug 13th and wrote this email to Kevin. .. eek..

i know we were not ever in a relationship but this is really hard on me. i have feelings for you . i don't know some how in my mind this was how it was going to be. i feel just put off . or left in the dust .. like i don't matter.. i know this all really doesn't matter to you. and I'll never be the girl you pick to even date no matter how much i think i like you. i don't know what to say all i can say is my feelings are hurt and I'm very sad inside. it hurts to see you drive past me knowing that I'll never really be apart of your life only part that you will let me be in. I'm sorry I'll never be that pretty girl or "your type" I'm just me and that's all i can ever be sorry if its not good enough. i wish i could say that i never fell for you and it was all just sex but sadly i did.

he responded Aug 23rd and said ...

For whatever it's worth, I'm apologize that the situation is the way it is. I'm not intentionally being or doing anything to make you miserable. If it seems like I am then it's something we both will have to deal with.
I'm not trying to ignore you or do anything bad. I just liked the situation as it was, the exact reason, i can't be sure, it was probably more like a combination of reasons. yes sex was probably a huge factor, i won't lie. i still think about a lot of those situations because it was absolute awesome, not because it basically little to no SA (strings attached), but because of everything that happened (you know damn well).
And it's not like it's an easy situation for me either, just so you know. A great portion of me was unhappy i had to give that up and even more difficult when you entice me the way you do.

I've read it 7 times and I don't know what to think. I thanked him for saying he was sorry their is not much more i can expect the guy to do. he kind of needs to move on with his life. altho i think he should be a great wonderful dr who is married to his job and we just hang out sometimes. :) i don't know whats wrong with me but i don't really want a commitment from him or from anyone and i feel really lonely in the world but what can you do .. just get up and go threw the motions of life day after day. i think i love him sometimes but other times i feel like I'm just in love with the idea of being in love.. if that makes since. i look at all of these marriages that fail and i don't want to be apart of that, or the ones where they are just in it for the kids.. to me that's not being happy. but what i have now witch is nothing isn't very happy either.

then! nick called me 6-7 times asking if he could come over!!!! i said are you drunk? he said yes! i said no you may not come over. .. (i didn't feel like dealing with a drunk). I told him to go home and I gave him about 20 minutes and i called him to see if he made it and he did answer or call me back or even text me back. so I'm not sure what happen with him but theirs nothing i can do i don't know where he was or where he lives. I felt bad for not letting him come over but why should he so he can pass out. It turns out its a good thing i said No ..

So i was sitting here by my self on a Saturday night almost texted one of my ex boyfriends. .. and I thought that would be a bad idea so i was going threw my phone and texted some random people.. my friend text me back and said i took 4 hydrocodone and I'm a little worried that may have been to many.... WTF ! so i texted his ex girlfriend and was like we need to probably head over there. she left work early and we went to check out the situation he seemed OK to me. He was definitely fucked up but I wasn't worried about his well being. so we hung out for a bit and his ex took all the pills in the house and we drove across town and went to a bar. I didn't drink because i was driving and she was really worried about him. so i took her all the way back across town to his house and took his keys and made him go home with her. he was up this morning and taking a shower but good god that's scary. that's something i can live with out. it could have been a lot worse and I'm very thankful it wasn't.

who died and made you god?

ugh, what the hell is this shit? my new manager needs to get off his high horse and get real. hes going to piss off a lot of people and he wont have anyone to manage. hes going to push to hard and we are not going to come back. i can't wait for the "team" meeting. i have a feeling its going to be more of him talking to us than us talking about things that really matter. work motto is "one team one reason". not in his head. i hope some one knocks him off his pedestal and lets him know hes no better than us. i don't know what to say.. but i'm thinking this is going to get old real quick!

little miss Ava!

well well well. little miss ava has her own suite at the hospital a big bath room and a tv and a pull out sofa to bad she doesn't even stay awake to see any of it. all she does is sleep and then sleep some more. she is oh so cute. i was up there yesterday and i got to feed her a bottle and she just fell back asleep. i made one of her alarms go off oops! so i gave her back to her mama! it seemed like i was there for 20 minutes and i was there for 3 hours!
about ava, (its 8-8-08 she is 4 days old!) she is maintaining her temp ya! she is eating ya! and she got her iv disconnected ya! she should move into a crib today ya! she is doing super well i'm super proud of her! she also lifts her own head and opened her eyes a little bit :) i love my little ava! shes tinny!

Ava Aryana has arived!

she looks soo perfect!

her little foot is soo cute!

she wants the blanket back on lady!

fingers are soo little.


all over but the crying.

it was all soo worth it! shes is perfect. She came into the world 7 weeks early and was 5.6lbs 17 1/4 inches!

hospital trips

my god! so yesterday i go to the hospital and i brought my step sister kristy some food a shake and some other food. and we chit chat for a bit and she tells me how i shouldn't do bring her stuff she doesn't need anything. then my step sister karleen brings up a soda and playing cards and some chex mix. after she was in the room a few minutes my dad and his wife shows up with a bk shake. (haha already gave her one before you did). when my dad came in he was extremely happy to see me. and said "how are you little girl" (i haven't been a little girl for a while!). my step mom was trying to chit chat with me and i would just answer her questions and then move on with a different conversation. then we took kristy out to smoke witch was near my car so i went with. kristy said that i was suborn and i said i get it from my dad. then my dad said "that soberness is the thing thats kept her (me) alive. witch was odd to me because i've wanted to die for a really long time it doesn't seem to me i've been fighting to be alive and its not like i have some kind of sickness or anything. but anyways my whole point is, is that i know what its like to be in the hospital and i would have hated to do it alone. i was always happy my dad was there even if he wasn't doing anything but standing around drinking coffee.