I love LOVE having 3 days off don't have to do anything or you can when you want to. Its Sunday I have to work tomorrow for 13 days in a row. with one day off in the middle. i just have to think about the money, that's all that will get me threw this.
I kind of went off the deep end on Aug 13th and wrote this email to Kevin. .. eek..
i know we were not ever in a relationship but this is really hard on me. i have feelings for you . i don't know some how in my mind this was how it was going to be. i feel just put off . or left in the dust .. like i don't matter.. i know this all really doesn't matter to you. and I'll never be the girl you pick to even date no matter how much i think i like you. i don't know what to say all i can say is my feelings are hurt and I'm very sad inside. it hurts to see you drive past me knowing that I'll never really be apart of your life only part that you will let me be in. I'm sorry I'll never be that pretty girl or "your type" I'm just me and that's all i can ever be sorry if its not good enough. i wish i could say that i never fell for you and it was all just sex but sadly i did.
he responded Aug 23rd and said ...
For whatever it's worth, I'm apologize that the situation is the way it is. I'm not intentionally being or doing anything to make you miserable. If it seems like I am then it's something we both will have to deal with.
I'm not trying to ignore you or do anything bad. I just liked the situation as it was, the exact reason, i can't be sure, it was probably more like a combination of reasons. yes sex was probably a huge factor, i won't lie. i still think about a lot of those situations because it was absolute awesome, not because it basically little to no SA (strings attached), but because of everything that happened (you know damn well).
And it's not like it's an easy situation for me either, just so you know. A great portion of me was unhappy i had to give that up and even more difficult when you entice me the way you do.
I'm not trying to ignore you or do anything bad. I just liked the situation as it was, the exact reason, i can't be sure, it was probably more like a combination of reasons. yes sex was probably a huge factor, i won't lie. i still think about a lot of those situations because it was absolute awesome, not because it basically little to no SA (strings attached), but because of everything that happened (you know damn well).
And it's not like it's an easy situation for me either, just so you know. A great portion of me was unhappy i had to give that up and even more difficult when you entice me the way you do.
I've read it 7 times and I don't know what to think. I thanked him for saying he was sorry their is not much more i can expect the guy to do. he kind of needs to move on with his life. altho i think he should be a great wonderful dr who is married to his job and we just hang out sometimes. :) i don't know whats wrong with me but i don't really want a commitment from him or from anyone and i feel really lonely in the world but what can you do .. just get up and go threw the motions of life day after day. i think i love him sometimes but other times i feel like I'm just in love with the idea of being in love.. if that makes since. i look at all of these marriages that fail and i don't want to be apart of that, or the ones where they are just in it for the kids.. to me that's not being happy. but what i have now witch is nothing isn't very happy either.
then! nick called me 6-7 times asking if he could come over!!!! i said are you drunk? he said yes! i said no you may not come over. .. (i didn't feel like dealing with a drunk). I told him to go home and I gave him about 20 minutes and i called him to see if he made it and he did answer or call me back or even text me back. so I'm not sure what happen with him but theirs nothing i can do i don't know where he was or where he lives. I felt bad for not letting him come over but why should he so he can pass out. It turns out its a good thing i said No ..
So i was sitting here by my self on a Saturday night almost texted one of my ex boyfriends. .. and I thought that would be a bad idea so i was going threw my phone and texted some random people.. my friend text me back and said i took 4 hydrocodone and I'm a little worried that may have been to many.... WTF ! so i texted his ex girlfriend and was like we need to probably head over there. she left work early and we went to check out the situation he seemed OK to me. He was definitely fucked up but I wasn't worried about his well being. so we hung out for a bit and his ex took all the pills in the house and we drove across town and went to a bar. I didn't drink because i was driving and she was really worried about him. so i took her all the way back across town to his house and took his keys and made him go home with her. he was up this morning and taking a shower but good god that's scary. that's something i can live with out. it could have been a lot worse and I'm very thankful it wasn't.
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