things that make you go hmmm

Reading all of my post today and realizing how much I'm still the same is kinda funny.
My face still lights up when I get to spend time with my dad and my cousin and I are still not really talking. My sister is still a fighter and I still look at the world saying "really?".

My last blog I was worried I wouldn't find the love of my life and I'm proud to say that I have. As I sit here with my rainbow bracelet on and loving life more then I thought I could. Being more scared to fall in love then ever before and feeling every bit of hurt that has ever been done onto me has been the hardest part. I tell more and more people that I am dating a girl can't exactly come out and say that I'm gay but hell close enough. My cousin doesn't like my so called choice and doesn't want to be apart of my life and I'm extremely scared my dad will do the same.
My lovely lady's name is Shana I do love her with all my heart. If I could only tell you about all the love I have for her I would. She is defiantly my whole world and when I am upset or scared I run to her so she can hold me and make me feel better. I think she likes the fact that I need her and do I ever. It is hard to think that she isn't going to go anywhere, it's hard to think that she isn't going to hurt me intentionally like I have been so many times before. I wish I didn't hold people up on unreachable standards, like I hold my self up to. I know this is hard on her and for as much as I try not to it just seems to happen. We've been dating for almost five months, consistently which isn't normal for me, nicole and dated for 9 months but it was on and off.
Love my new apartment I'm not currently living in it because my friends mom andrea is. She was flooded and I let her stay there. So I REALLY enjoyed my apt for for only 4 months, the last two she has been occupying it with her son dylan. Aug 1st is the first time she'll be paying rent and I'll be able to pay for the bed and sofa and chair they are so much enjoying. I'm not exactly bitter about it because I do enjoy sharing my time with Shana and sleeping in the same bed every night really does make you work thru your problems because you can't run home to your own apartment every time there is an issue. I am used to having my own space and being able to shut my phone off and ignoring the whole world for a day or two. It is all worth giving up to be with the love of my life every day.
You would think that the fact that we are both girls it would be easy to communicate and gab about anything... well that really isn't the case. We think a lot a like and we are both givers but when it comes down to it, when there is a disagreement it can be hard for either of us to see the others point-a-view. Shana is a lot better at seeing my point-a-view then I am at seeing hers (well if I didn't already know I was right it would be a bit easier (jk)). The important things are in place. We work well together as a team! We both want to solve the problem! We are both willing to listen to the other person (once the stubbornness wears off). We both Love each other dearly and would do anything for one another! I think with those things and so much more that I'm forgetting to list right at this moment you can do anything to stay together.
I Love her adventures side and wanting to do just about anything. It makes me have to break out of my shell and do things I wouldn't normally do. It makes me have to meet people and be social ... two things I rather not do (most of the time). I've always been a loner who had one or two really good friends and a couple acquaintances. I've always loved taking my days off to do NOTHING to recharge my battery for the next week and it's like I need that downtime to reset and start over. Not Shana she can go places every day of the week for month and be just fine lol. So she is slowing down for me and I'm going out more for her.
I've found that I have more anxiety then I ever thought I did. I got VERY used to going to the same places with the same people knowing what to expect, I always knew everyone who was around and I've always hung out in small one or two friends at a time kinda groups. I knew which friends got along and which ones didn't and thank god for Mario being my best-friend and able to adapt to all my friends I could take him anywhere. He turned into my safety blanket forsure I couldn't do anything with out him and we did everything together. Well I met Shana and thank god for her understanding because Mario sure was around A LOT for the first couple few months. Now I'm breaking away from the best-friend security blanket moving on to the girlfriend and I can do it together no matter what, is where I'm at now.
I give Shana a lot of credit because with out her understanding and willingness to help me work thru my crazy anxiety issues I would be doing the same things and not meeting all the fabulous people that I've gotten to meet lately. I do see why all of these people are o so important to her.

Will wright more later!

.. it has been too long.

Poor blogspot I’ve wanted to write here so many times and haven’t. Sorry I’ve neglected you.

Where to start …

I guess with the love life because that’s the most interesting. I dated a woman for the first time Apr 5^th of 2010 and did so for 9 months on and off and I broke it off 3 days before Christmas of 2010. As much as I know in my brain that this relationship should be over for good, my heart is doing a good job of trying to convince my brain it’s wrong. I do love her a lot and if I can I will help her with life. But its not practical she needs to grow up a bit before we can be together. She made me feel things I’ve never felt before and I thank her for that. We have a connection that I’m afraid I’ll never have again. It runs so much deeper then I think most people realize. I keep thinking of what people tell me all the time the heart picks who it loves. Well if that’s true then my heart has picked her. That is for sure. I try to tell her why we had to break up but it’s like she doesn’t want to understand or I can’t explain it very well. I think when the words come out of my mouth they don’t seem as big of a deal as they are in my head. She is with another girl at this time and it is killing me. It is almost like I don’t want her until she is with someone else. Which is what she says to me all the time and can be true.. when it is good between us is amazing .. and when it isn’t .. it sucks soooo much .. I’m scared tho I’m scared that I’ll have that same feeling as I did on Dec 22 when I didn’t feel like I loved her, it was like we where 2 people just in the same room with no emotions on my part. I don’t want to break up her current relationship and destroy what she may have with this Amanda chick to find out that I’m going to fall out of love again. If we do date again I know its going to be a real commitment like living together and being in a real relationship it wont be just dating again and she is going to expect me to tell everyone we are together. She won’t deal with me not being completely out the 2^nd time around. I don’t blame her but I don’t think she should be the one telling me when and how I should be outted. I loved how she loved me. I wouldn’t trade that for the world. God it feels good to be loved. I love having a reason to get up in the morning. She did give me that. I loved the texts I received every morning when I woke up. Ok ok before I get to a head of my self. It is what it is and I just have to wait and see how this unfolds.

Other than that I moved at the beginning of this month into a one-bedroom apt. it seems big, it’s twice the size of my last apt studio. I get a patio now. It seems like the kitchen is a different apt it's so big. kinda sad it takes more time to get ready in the morning because everything is so far from everything else. I got renters insurance now that I’ve invested some money into the things in my place. Best friends with Mario. Its kinda a shock because of how much I couldn’t stand the kid when we first met. We’ve been to KS City and Wichita KS and Houston and Austin and San Antonio TX. I’m sure there are many more trips to come.

I worked up stairs on the HWS design for six months it was a great job. I’m back down the regional leads now. (play sad music now). It has been ok due to my mom needing extra support.. even tho at this time I have dropped out of that game. I don’t talk to my dad much in fact I didn’t see him for a year and a half before I moved and didn’t talk to him for a year before. My sister made him come over and help move me .. I think he wanted to also. His face lit up when he saw me it was nice.

I think that's enough for today. I hope to be back soon.

katie.

sigh...

Well I'm a little worried. I seem to be the only one, but not many people know what I know. Ignorance is bliss that is for sure! My company has let go of 10% of the people and a vice president. We have to have 900 million dollars by March to give back to the government if not then we will have mandatory downtime. Then layoffs. Then closing centers. Tis has me a little worried and it seems when Ialk to people about it they kind of don't really care or don't even act like they care. I was so irritated with my cousins attitude last night I just had to get off the phone. She was acting like oh well its how its going to be cant change it I'm not going to lose my job so why should I care.. BECAUSE YOU MAY LOSE YOUR JOB! that's WHY! she said she doesn't see the big affect of this whole thing and only her small towns .. witch is true. I work for a company that is in every state and every country and we have to have people stay in our hotels for us to make money. If banks are broke and not giving company's money then people are not traveling ... I just have to say .. it makes me sick and I would like to keep my head in the sand and pretend that we don't have a problem but we do we really do. I'm also angry about the staffing in my department we have so many people most of the time that everyone is just looking at each other.. and our boss wont let anyone go home! why the hell not! if people want to go let them.. I was against the bail out program until I found out that all of our paychecks would have bounced if we didn't get it we were 2 days away from being broke. 2 days and everything would have bounced... sigh

but i want my cake and to eat it too!

holy fuck its been a while! hi my name is katie just in case you have forgot!
so i was trying to upload a photo of a cake my friend i made that looks like a real pumpkin. how ever it is not uploading at this moment.
I have nothing to do this weekend and i'm sooo happy about that. last weekend i went to kc with my friend and her kid to watch my sisters kids so she and her husband could go to the football game. it has made me realize how much my sister and i have grown up. things that used to make us angry for the whole trip and make everything spiral out of control are now takin with a grain of salt. witch is awesome because she wasn't feeling well and i was in the car with a 5 year old who couldn't wait to get there. and something had gone wrong with the hotel res and i wasn't there to fix it and she forgot about it..so we had a little fight and i was telling my friend aww here we go.. the whole trip is going down hill now. but when i got there walked in the room everyone wasn't as upset as they had been. it was over the bump in the road was gone we weren't going to let that bring down the whole trip.. anyways what i'm saying is we have grown and became each other's best friend. it has took 26 years for us to get to this point we are the only ones who have almost walked in the same shoes. growing up we had to be each others friend because fuck our parents we to busy fucking our lives up. we were each other's rock we had to be. no one else was going to keep us together. i depended on her so much for everything if there was a problem she took care of it. i didn't go to our parents i went to her. i think because we had to depend on each other so much growing up we needed the last few years to be our own person to come back and be a better sister to each other.
I was always amazed how free spirited she was and still is. no one is going to tell her no she is going to do it anyways. growing up i always watched her because i knew she was going to do it first, and if she didn't get in to trouble i could get a way with it too! i remember when i was 6 and she was 9 for some reason there was a huge bowl of uncooked rice on the table and i waked past it and thought i want to stick my hand in there but didn't next comes a long my sister who for sure stuck both hands in there and got a way with it .. i was excited she didn't get into trouble because then i got to do it!
I got used to my sister fighting my battles for me. against our parents against the world against anyone. but i had to finally learn i needed to do this on my own and do a pretty good job doing it .. learned from the best.. but it has been hard because we have always lived near each other but the last 3 years she has lived 5 1/2 hours away. its hard to be so far a way and i hate it, but i don't want to move again. i'm tired of moving i'm tired of making new friends i've moved so may times in my life and i love omaha. but my heart is not here my sisters kids are my heart and i don't get to see them grow up as much as i want to. i don't know what i want to do. i have a job that pays the bills i know this job inside and out. I'd have to change everything. ugh anyways. 46 days until i get to see them again :) for 11 days!

i love my sister because she fixes things and makes them happen no matter what the issue maybe.

MY BIRTHDAY IS COMING UP!

LESS THAN 2 WEEKS NOW :) FUCK YEAH!

OK I love love love my birthday . Last year I didn't love my birthday, I was going to be 25 and I was sad and thought I had to grow up or something like that. How ever! THIS YEAR I'M MAKING UP FOR IT! It's the one day I don't give a fuck what you are doing! You better come to my birthday party because... I'm always there for your fucking ass! I get one day. So I'm inviting only my 25 closest friends. hehe sadly I work with most of them and some people are getting a little sad I didn't invite them. oops.. I'm making some people a little upset.. I DON'T CARE! so the person hosting my party at their house has been nice so nice and ...I gave her a list of my 20 closest friends how ever I think I'm going to invite 5 ish more.. I'm leaving people out that I do like and I feel bad.. my sister from ks is coming .. I hope! shes trying ... hehehe I love my birthday I love my birthday I love my birthday.

sleepy want bed now.. please

HELLO! today is my sisters birthday... its the first year i really wish i was with her to enjoy this day with her. i think because we are getting older and because it didn't seem like she didn't really have anyone else to hang out with.

so i'm getting sued .. kind of... i mean i got some papers but the papers dont say your fucked it just says you could be fucked.. in 20-30 days.. dad says to call and make payments mom says they are pulling your bluff they wont do anything i get papers like that all the time. just throw it away.. so this may be why i am the way that i am. sometimes i'm conservative other times i'm crazy with no rules.. i blame the parents, its what every good therapist does!

Kevin and i are emailing back and forth. I'm so over Nick hes an ass i texted him a few times to see if he was ok because he was super drunk the other night.. and he flipped out .. not needed! so if he wants to get drunk and crash in to a tree be my guest.. he was pissed because he wanted to come over and i told him NO. so what ever i dont need a sloppy drunk at my house whos not going to remember the next morning what happened... or didn't happen.

i'm working a bunch of hours next week about 65 so its going to be a shitty week. i work 12 days in a row! what the hell is wrong with me ? who knows at this point

its been a while..

I don't know where to start. I would start from the beginning .. but I'm not to sure where that was...
I love LOVE having 3 days off don't have to do anything or you can when you want to. Its Sunday I have to work tomorrow for 13 days in a row. with one day off in the middle. i just have to think about the money, that's all that will get me threw this.
I kind of went off the deep end on Aug 13th and wrote this email to Kevin. .. eek..

i know we were not ever in a relationship but this is really hard on me. i have feelings for you . i don't know some how in my mind this was how it was going to be. i feel just put off . or left in the dust .. like i don't matter.. i know this all really doesn't matter to you. and I'll never be the girl you pick to even date no matter how much i think i like you. i don't know what to say all i can say is my feelings are hurt and I'm very sad inside. it hurts to see you drive past me knowing that I'll never really be apart of your life only part that you will let me be in. I'm sorry I'll never be that pretty girl or "your type" I'm just me and that's all i can ever be sorry if its not good enough. i wish i could say that i never fell for you and it was all just sex but sadly i did.

he responded Aug 23rd and said ...

For whatever it's worth, I'm apologize that the situation is the way it is. I'm not intentionally being or doing anything to make you miserable. If it seems like I am then it's something we both will have to deal with.
I'm not trying to ignore you or do anything bad. I just liked the situation as it was, the exact reason, i can't be sure, it was probably more like a combination of reasons. yes sex was probably a huge factor, i won't lie. i still think about a lot of those situations because it was absolute awesome, not because it basically little to no SA (strings attached), but because of everything that happened (you know damn well).
And it's not like it's an easy situation for me either, just so you know. A great portion of me was unhappy i had to give that up and even more difficult when you entice me the way you do.

I've read it 7 times and I don't know what to think. I thanked him for saying he was sorry their is not much more i can expect the guy to do. he kind of needs to move on with his life. altho i think he should be a great wonderful dr who is married to his job and we just hang out sometimes. :) i don't know whats wrong with me but i don't really want a commitment from him or from anyone and i feel really lonely in the world but what can you do .. just get up and go threw the motions of life day after day. i think i love him sometimes but other times i feel like I'm just in love with the idea of being in love.. if that makes since. i look at all of these marriages that fail and i don't want to be apart of that, or the ones where they are just in it for the kids.. to me that's not being happy. but what i have now witch is nothing isn't very happy either.

then! nick called me 6-7 times asking if he could come over!!!! i said are you drunk? he said yes! i said no you may not come over. .. (i didn't feel like dealing with a drunk). I told him to go home and I gave him about 20 minutes and i called him to see if he made it and he did answer or call me back or even text me back. so I'm not sure what happen with him but theirs nothing i can do i don't know where he was or where he lives. I felt bad for not letting him come over but why should he so he can pass out. It turns out its a good thing i said No ..

So i was sitting here by my self on a Saturday night almost texted one of my ex boyfriends. .. and I thought that would be a bad idea so i was going threw my phone and texted some random people.. my friend text me back and said i took 4 hydrocodone and I'm a little worried that may have been to many.... WTF ! so i texted his ex girlfriend and was like we need to probably head over there. she left work early and we went to check out the situation he seemed OK to me. He was definitely fucked up but I wasn't worried about his well being. so we hung out for a bit and his ex took all the pills in the house and we drove across town and went to a bar. I didn't drink because i was driving and she was really worried about him. so i took her all the way back across town to his house and took his keys and made him go home with her. he was up this morning and taking a shower but good god that's scary. that's something i can live with out. it could have been a lot worse and I'm very thankful it wasn't.