Reading all of my post today and realizing how much I'm still the same is kinda funny.
My face still lights up when I get to spend time with my dad and my cousin and I are still not really talking. My sister is still a fighter and I still look at the world saying "really?".
My last blog I was worried I wouldn't find the love of my life and I'm proud to say that I have. As I sit here with my rainbow bracelet on and loving life more then I thought I could. Being more scared to fall in love then ever before and feeling every bit of hurt that has ever been done onto me has been the hardest part. I tell more and more people that I am dating a girl can't exactly come out and say that I'm gay but hell close enough. My cousin doesn't like my so called choice and doesn't want to be apart of my life and I'm extremely scared my dad will do the same.
My lovely lady's name is Shana I do love her with all my heart. If I could only tell you about all the love I have for her I would. She is defiantly my whole world and when I am upset or scared I run to her so she can hold me and make me feel better. I think she likes the fact that I need her and do I ever. It is hard to think that she isn't going to go anywhere, it's hard to think that she isn't going to hurt me intentionally like I have been so many times before. I wish I didn't hold people up on unreachable standards, like I hold my self up to. I know this is hard on her and for as much as I try not to it just seems to happen. We've been dating for almost five months, consistently which isn't normal for me, nicole and dated for 9 months but it was on and off.
Love my new apartment I'm not currently living in it because my friends mom andrea is. She was flooded and I let her stay there. So I REALLY enjoyed my apt for for only 4 months, the last two she has been occupying it with her son dylan. Aug 1st is the first time she'll be paying rent and I'll be able to pay for the bed and sofa and chair they are so much enjoying. I'm not exactly bitter about it because I do enjoy sharing my time with Shana and sleeping in the same bed every night really does make you work thru your problems because you can't run home to your own apartment every time there is an issue. I am used to having my own space and being able to shut my phone off and ignoring the whole world for a day or two. It is all worth giving up to be with the love of my life every day.
You would think that the fact that we are both girls it would be easy to communicate and gab about anything... well that really isn't the case. We think a lot a like and we are both givers but when it comes down to it, when there is a disagreement it can be hard for either of us to see the others point-a-view. Shana is a lot better at seeing my point-a-view then I am at seeing hers (well if I didn't already know I was right it would be a bit easier (jk)). The important things are in place. We work well together as a team! We both want to solve the problem! We are both willing to listen to the other person (once the stubbornness wears off). We both Love each other dearly and would do anything for one another! I think with those things and so much more that I'm forgetting to list right at this moment you can do anything to stay together.
I Love her adventures side and wanting to do just about anything. It makes me have to break out of my shell and do things I wouldn't normally do. It makes me have to meet people and be social ... two things I rather not do (most of the time). I've always been a loner who had one or two really good friends and a couple acquaintances. I've always loved taking my days off to do NOTHING to recharge my battery for the next week and it's like I need that downtime to reset and start over. Not Shana she can go places every day of the week for month and be just fine lol. So she is slowing down for me and I'm going out more for her.
I've found that I have more anxiety then I ever thought I did. I got VERY used to going to the same places with the same people knowing what to expect, I always knew everyone who was around and I've always hung out in small one or two friends at a time kinda groups. I knew which friends got along and which ones didn't and thank god for Mario being my best-friend and able to adapt to all my friends I could take him anywhere. He turned into my safety blanket forsure I couldn't do anything with out him and we did everything together. Well I met Shana and thank god for her understanding because Mario sure was around A LOT for the first couple few months. Now I'm breaking away from the best-friend security blanket moving on to the girlfriend and I can do it together no matter what, is where I'm at now.
I give Shana a lot of credit because with out her understanding and willingness to help me work thru my crazy anxiety issues I would be doing the same things and not meeting all the fabulous people that I've gotten to meet lately. I do see why all of these people are o so important to her.
Will wright more later!
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