things that make you go hmmm

Reading all of my post today and realizing how much I'm still the same is kinda funny.
My face still lights up when I get to spend time with my dad and my cousin and I are still not really talking. My sister is still a fighter and I still look at the world saying "really?".

My last blog I was worried I wouldn't find the love of my life and I'm proud to say that I have. As I sit here with my rainbow bracelet on and loving life more then I thought I could. Being more scared to fall in love then ever before and feeling every bit of hurt that has ever been done onto me has been the hardest part. I tell more and more people that I am dating a girl can't exactly come out and say that I'm gay but hell close enough. My cousin doesn't like my so called choice and doesn't want to be apart of my life and I'm extremely scared my dad will do the same.
My lovely lady's name is Shana I do love her with all my heart. If I could only tell you about all the love I have for her I would. She is defiantly my whole world and when I am upset or scared I run to her so she can hold me and make me feel better. I think she likes the fact that I need her and do I ever. It is hard to think that she isn't going to go anywhere, it's hard to think that she isn't going to hurt me intentionally like I have been so many times before. I wish I didn't hold people up on unreachable standards, like I hold my self up to. I know this is hard on her and for as much as I try not to it just seems to happen. We've been dating for almost five months, consistently which isn't normal for me, nicole and dated for 9 months but it was on and off.
Love my new apartment I'm not currently living in it because my friends mom andrea is. She was flooded and I let her stay there. So I REALLY enjoyed my apt for for only 4 months, the last two she has been occupying it with her son dylan. Aug 1st is the first time she'll be paying rent and I'll be able to pay for the bed and sofa and chair they are so much enjoying. I'm not exactly bitter about it because I do enjoy sharing my time with Shana and sleeping in the same bed every night really does make you work thru your problems because you can't run home to your own apartment every time there is an issue. I am used to having my own space and being able to shut my phone off and ignoring the whole world for a day or two. It is all worth giving up to be with the love of my life every day.
You would think that the fact that we are both girls it would be easy to communicate and gab about anything... well that really isn't the case. We think a lot a like and we are both givers but when it comes down to it, when there is a disagreement it can be hard for either of us to see the others point-a-view. Shana is a lot better at seeing my point-a-view then I am at seeing hers (well if I didn't already know I was right it would be a bit easier (jk)). The important things are in place. We work well together as a team! We both want to solve the problem! We are both willing to listen to the other person (once the stubbornness wears off). We both Love each other dearly and would do anything for one another! I think with those things and so much more that I'm forgetting to list right at this moment you can do anything to stay together.
I Love her adventures side and wanting to do just about anything. It makes me have to break out of my shell and do things I wouldn't normally do. It makes me have to meet people and be social ... two things I rather not do (most of the time). I've always been a loner who had one or two really good friends and a couple acquaintances. I've always loved taking my days off to do NOTHING to recharge my battery for the next week and it's like I need that downtime to reset and start over. Not Shana she can go places every day of the week for month and be just fine lol. So she is slowing down for me and I'm going out more for her.
I've found that I have more anxiety then I ever thought I did. I got VERY used to going to the same places with the same people knowing what to expect, I always knew everyone who was around and I've always hung out in small one or two friends at a time kinda groups. I knew which friends got along and which ones didn't and thank god for Mario being my best-friend and able to adapt to all my friends I could take him anywhere. He turned into my safety blanket forsure I couldn't do anything with out him and we did everything together. Well I met Shana and thank god for her understanding because Mario sure was around A LOT for the first couple few months. Now I'm breaking away from the best-friend security blanket moving on to the girlfriend and I can do it together no matter what, is where I'm at now.
I give Shana a lot of credit because with out her understanding and willingness to help me work thru my crazy anxiety issues I would be doing the same things and not meeting all the fabulous people that I've gotten to meet lately. I do see why all of these people are o so important to her.

Will wright more later!

.. it has been too long.

Poor blogspot I’ve wanted to write here so many times and haven’t. Sorry I’ve neglected you.

Where to start …

I guess with the love life because that’s the most interesting. I dated a woman for the first time Apr 5^th of 2010 and did so for 9 months on and off and I broke it off 3 days before Christmas of 2010. As much as I know in my brain that this relationship should be over for good, my heart is doing a good job of trying to convince my brain it’s wrong. I do love her a lot and if I can I will help her with life. But its not practical she needs to grow up a bit before we can be together. She made me feel things I’ve never felt before and I thank her for that. We have a connection that I’m afraid I’ll never have again. It runs so much deeper then I think most people realize. I keep thinking of what people tell me all the time the heart picks who it loves. Well if that’s true then my heart has picked her. That is for sure. I try to tell her why we had to break up but it’s like she doesn’t want to understand or I can’t explain it very well. I think when the words come out of my mouth they don’t seem as big of a deal as they are in my head. She is with another girl at this time and it is killing me. It is almost like I don’t want her until she is with someone else. Which is what she says to me all the time and can be true.. when it is good between us is amazing .. and when it isn’t .. it sucks soooo much .. I’m scared tho I’m scared that I’ll have that same feeling as I did on Dec 22 when I didn’t feel like I loved her, it was like we where 2 people just in the same room with no emotions on my part. I don’t want to break up her current relationship and destroy what she may have with this Amanda chick to find out that I’m going to fall out of love again. If we do date again I know its going to be a real commitment like living together and being in a real relationship it wont be just dating again and she is going to expect me to tell everyone we are together. She won’t deal with me not being completely out the 2^nd time around. I don’t blame her but I don’t think she should be the one telling me when and how I should be outted. I loved how she loved me. I wouldn’t trade that for the world. God it feels good to be loved. I love having a reason to get up in the morning. She did give me that. I loved the texts I received every morning when I woke up. Ok ok before I get to a head of my self. It is what it is and I just have to wait and see how this unfolds.

Other than that I moved at the beginning of this month into a one-bedroom apt. it seems big, it’s twice the size of my last apt studio. I get a patio now. It seems like the kitchen is a different apt it's so big. kinda sad it takes more time to get ready in the morning because everything is so far from everything else. I got renters insurance now that I’ve invested some money into the things in my place. Best friends with Mario. Its kinda a shock because of how much I couldn’t stand the kid when we first met. We’ve been to KS City and Wichita KS and Houston and Austin and San Antonio TX. I’m sure there are many more trips to come.

I worked up stairs on the HWS design for six months it was a great job. I’m back down the regional leads now. (play sad music now). It has been ok due to my mom needing extra support.. even tho at this time I have dropped out of that game. I don’t talk to my dad much in fact I didn’t see him for a year and a half before I moved and didn’t talk to him for a year before. My sister made him come over and help move me .. I think he wanted to also. His face lit up when he saw me it was nice.

I think that's enough for today. I hope to be back soon.

katie.